The Hipster Fashion Sense, Decontructed

Spring is in the air. This is nature’s way of telling us “it’s time to go shopping for a new wardrobe!”

True, Hipsters do not need clothing specifically designed for the warmer months. We pretty much wear the same types of things year-round, and even pride ourselves on being able to handle wool hats, flannel shirts, and scarves without breaking a sweat on days that make normal folk melt in shorts and tank tops.

The ice in our hearts keeps us cool.

When it comes to picking out clothing, a Hipster’s inner fashion compass points towards four desirable aspects:

1. Weirdness. In the quest for uniqueness, anything that is the opposite of what everybody is wearing is what every Hipster is wearing.

2. Vintage… ness. When it comes to the way you dress, nothing reeks pretentiousness like “I’m too good for anything produced in this era.”

3. Hobo-ness. Since we’re all anti-consumerists, we’re willing to pay hundreds of dollars for clothing that makes us look like people who don’t spend hundreds of dollars on clothing.

4. Irony. Because being sincere is a weakness. Nothing makes you look tougher than a “World’s Best Grandpa” t-shirt.

All of our clothing, of course, comes from either local, eco-friendly indie designers or thrift stores. Good Will is a fave because all four of the categories are fairly represented, and there is less of a worry of buying the same thing someone you know has (an utmost tragedy!).

Although it is an unspeakable shame, some Hipsters also get their clothing from some of the reasonably-priced chain stores you may find at the mall. Stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitters actually send spies to follow Hipsters around and jack the swag that we were wearing way before it was cool. These stores are total washed-up fakes, but have a certain appeal to those too lazy or clean to dig through thrift store bins. No one wants to be known as someone who wears mass-manufactured styles from soulless corporations, but on the other hand, anyone there to catch you would themselves be guilty. Earlier this very week I must admit I myself was actually, uh… reluctantly accompanying a friend to the mall, very reluctantly, and went into Pac Sun where I reluctantly ran into an embarrassed compatriot browsing skinny jeans. We blushed a lot and avoided eye contact. Reluctantly.

Wherever we go to get out clothes, the most important thing when it comes to looking cool is attitude: we know we’re better than everyone else. So, when you go on your spring shopping trip, keep this in mind: nothing you will ever wear will matter because you’re just not as cool as us.

You’re welcome.